What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal Paperback – September 10, 2013

While writing mine HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget I've read several relationship books, this one is in TOP 3. Here is my review:Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?"What Makes Love Last" is very different from any other relationship book I've read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, "is this a real thing" quiz, etc)- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)SOME VALUABLE NOTES- The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)- Negative comparisons lead to betrayal- Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner- Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other- Not to give advice unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution- Turn to each other during sliding door moments. Do not move onto negotiating a compromise until you can say to each other Yes you got it. That is exactly my position and what I am feeling.- Stick to "I feel" "I need" statements instead of "You don't...", "You should"- When partners are upset, their negative emitions line up like dominos. What else are you feeling ? Is there more you want to say?- Listener: pause and breathe, write down what your partners says and any defensiveness you are feeling, remember your love and respect (in this relationship we do not ignore one another plans, I have to understand this hurt)- The sexually active partners had a closer friendship and were commited to making sex a priority.- Most women want sex sex when they already feel emotionally close, but for men sex is a way of becoming emotionally close.-Five dimensions of interview to predict risk of divorce:* Positive vs negative past memories* I vs WE statements* Still remember love map detais of memorable moments and partner's inner world* Telling how they struggle and overcome difficulties instead of chaos description* Feeling of satisfaction with the relationship vs disappoitment- When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, their relationship reaps enormous benefits.- Description of trust game (Individual who risk trusting others benefit more than those who are suspicious)- Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot changeCRITICS- Beside sex chapter the book has too brief advice on "How to improve it" after the measurement was take.- It's age resistant relationship advice, but still it would be good to mention some modern family challenges (Dual income household, impact of Facebook and mobile...)- Money and household economics is often an issue, the book has no mentions of money problems and dealing with themCONCLUSIONThe book provides unique relationship assessment tools and illuminates what it takes to create a relationship that is mutually satisfying and adds profound meaning to your life.Leo Ostapiv

Amazon-- In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love….Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.Goodreads: IN THIS WISE, ACCESSIBLE, AND LONG-AWAITED BOOK, ….Gottman has spent decades observing the conversational patterns and biorhythms of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous Love Lab. Now he applies this research to fundamental questions about trust and betrayal. Doubts are common in relationships. Partners often worry. Can I trust my partner? Am I being betrayed? How do I know for sure?With a gift for translating complex scientific ideas into insightful and practical advice, Gottman explains how a couple can protect or recover their greatest gift, their love for one another.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This book is light and fairly easy to read. That is deceptive. It is a life-saver and one that I dearly wish was in my life when I was stumbling around. Read it if you want to learn about keeping trust in relationships. Oh wonder! Our biology wants closeness with others, yet we often undermine our most important love relationships.My five takehomes may be helpful to you in your needs-of-today.1) We are limbic beings, mammals, we need attachment. Connection is not optional for living a good life. We are more efficient when we trust and live longer with it. Mistrust with those close to us is extremely draining psychically/physically.2) This book has many fixits to restore trust, including detailed and useful surveys for couples to use. One whole chapter says “good relationships needs good sex.” And many lessons on “Learning Trust.”3) Gottman has a lot of lovely phrases that can help us to keep good habits of loving: Blame+ is the “Roach motel for lovers;” relational experiences go in the nice box, the neutral box, or the nasty box; do you walk through your partners proffered “Sliding door moment?” The “Ziegarnack effect” is that memories of unfinished business do not fade with time. You might notice the downward spiral of a relationship when you either start to have “Negative sentiment override;” and/or “negative comps”—comparing current partner with imagined other partners.4) Couples spending a lot of time in the Neutral Box [neither nasty nor nice] of emotionally un-flooded communication is very healing; especially if you can be emotionally neutral while noticing disagreements. Another way of saying—being non-reactive to a relationship’s emotional weather is darn important. Humor rocks!5) This book describes the ten kinds of betrayal of trust in relationships; sexual cheating is but one.Thank you, John and Nan for telling us as so much, so painlessly! And Kim for tightening this piece, nicely.

PS the answer isn’t great sex. It isn’t sex at all. Or any kind of passionate love affair that starts with a bang. Hollywood lies. Shocking, I know.If you are married or in a significant relationship, read this book! It’s so great for understanding what simple little things you and your partner can do to improve the quality of your relationships. And if you reach toward your partner, they are more likely to respond positively, even if they haven’t read the book. It’s a cycle.The biggest thing that leads to lasting relationships is TRUST. Building and maintaining trust through little every day actions like:Turning toward each otherPhrasing things as wishes not criticisms “I wish you would clean the kitchen with me so it would get done faster” instead of “You never help!”Practicing EmpathyOne of the biggest things he talks about that breaks down trust is pornography. I totally agree with this. I have seen it break apart marriages. Pornography involves non-committal sex, and can actually rewire your brain. Even if you don’t have an addiction to that extent, it alters views of what a partner and sex are for, and how sex is carried out. In pornography, people meet, have sex and part ways like animals. They do not take any time to build a bond or relationship of trust. This can lead to the partner who views it to expect that in their own sexual relationship, and when their own partner will not give them what they want, to turn to the pornography for that. The cycle spirals down more and more, especially because most people do not fit the physical stereotype of porn actors, which can further destroy trust. [...]