Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids

First things first, I really liked this book! I don’t want children and never have and it’s good to read some stories similar to mine. The one drawback is that most of the female writers ended up trying for kids at one point, or wanting children. The only truly, unapologetic story in my opinion was the male author towards the end of the book and his was my favorite piece by far, I connected most with it and it had a lot of humor which I loved! Some stories had really good statistics and personal anecdotes that made reading it easy and interesting. Overall, it was a good book, I just wish it represented what I thought it was going to represent and that’s people who have never wanted kids.

As a non-mom (or "childfree" in the book's parlance), but a happy aunt, Best Summer Camp Counselor Ever and a big fan of children in general, I've spent most of my child-bearing years married and stable yet with a general indifference about raising children of my own. I've never been able to put a finger on why my husband and I didn't put more energy into becoming parents. I was hoping this collection of essays, edited by Meghan Daum whom I adore, would have answered questions for me. I was hoping I'd have gotten more out of it. Unfortunately, many of the writers do come off as being self-absorbed to the point of monotony. Several of the whiny essays are indistinguishable from the next. Though each is well-written and interesting, many of the voices begin to run together. Similar family issues, relationship issues, mental health issues, all insisting a love for kids (to the point of protesting too much), all insisting their writing careers could not sustain the demands of children. For parents reading this in an attempt to understand the mindset of people who don't have children, the essays mainly reinforce bratty stereotypes about DINKS (Double Income No Kids). Very little new light is shed on this important topic. It's something I navigate often, as people of my generation are either raising young kids, ignoring the kids they do have, or ignoring the idea of creating kids completely. I do get flack for not being a parent, much of it unfair, self-righteous and pompous considering the issue is heavily layered and textured in all directions.These insular and very specific stories did not venture far outside of the writer's own heads. I found the few who had survived bouts of baby lust, and attempted failed fertility treatments and questioned their own motives about desiring parenthood to be intriguing, but most of the stories did not answer larger questions for me. The only one that really resonated clearly was the final essay, "End of the Line" by Tim Kreider. It's great, witty, and the best in the book. He has the same questions about the biological imperatives of raising children that I do. Namely, if having children is "what life is about", as people always tell you, then... is the purpose of your children's life to create your grandchildren? And so on? That's the main focus for existence? Is it a reason to get out of bed each day when there is no other good reason? Can't a life on its own provide a value to the world when the DNA within it ends without further procreation? These are all bigger questions posed than in most of the other essays, many of which come across as overly defensive.

I didn't find all of the stories in this book equally satisfying but then neither did Meghan Daum. In fact, in her introduction she states that she found them to be captivating, exasperating, entertaining, and enlightening and that sometimes she was enraged. I'd love to compare notes with her and see whether we were exasperated and enraged by the same things. I found that, for me, the stories seemed to get better as the book progressed. There seemed to be more personal stories in the second half of the book. Some of the writers got personal but they also got political and their stories read too much like a college term paper might read which is fine if this is what you enjoy. But I found that reading many of these in one sitting brought on a state of ennui. But some of the other stories were riveting because they centered on the authors' lives and the factors in their lives that made parenthood wrong for them. These are the stories that I will remember, the ones that really made me feel great empathy. I wanted to tell them that they were showing both intelligence and compassion by not becoming parents when they knew that this wasn't right for them (compassion for the children that could be shortchanged). It was occasionally maddening when authors showed bitterness and disparaged those who become parents, in much the same way that child-free people have been maligned by parents. As a mother of one, I can understand where they are coming from because I got very tired of people asking me before I had my child when I was going to start a family and after I had her, I'd hear, "When are you going to have another one," or "Only one?" So I understand why one might become resentful and bitter. Too many people believe in a one-size-fits-all lifestyle. I would hope that these stories expand your mind and open your heart. Some of the authors describe their lives as well as the lives of parents they know in the nicest, most compassionate way. Some of them prefer to devote most of their attention to adults. Some love children and enjoy being loving aunts or caring mentors. I read the book in two sittings. Much of it fascinated me. A word of warning to members of pro-life groups, there are some abortions mentioned in these stories. I might pass this book onto my daughter who is nearly 38 and doesn't have children and believes that she will remain child-free.

Algumas histórias são interessantes e outras sao muito chatas e meio sem sentido. É legalzinho para ver a linha de pensamento de outas pessoas com os motivos e como eles chegaram na decisao de ter filhos. Mas as decisões deste livro são quase todas tomadas pelo mesmo motivo. Seria interessante saber se estas pessoas se arrependeram da decisão, mas é superficial neste aspecto

I liked the selection of Authors. They offered broad perspectives.I didn't like the change of subjective opinion offered by some of the writers.

Well Written.

As a 66-year-old childless woman, I'm breathing a big sigh of relief. I chose to not have children, and am so tired of the sympathies and judgments. (I love being around kids and am a retired primary teacher who received Teacher of the Year award.) The authors in this book bring forth a myriad of sound reasons for not having children. While acknowledging the validity of the choice to have children, they collectively make a strong case against the propaganda about the sacredness of parenthood, especially motherhood. I am so glad I didn't get sucked into that propaganda, and this book strongly validates my choice.

I've always grappled with the societal view on people who live childless. I have never had an ounce of paternal instinct in my life; but as someone still young with their whole life ahead of them I am constantly told I will change my mind, because having children is the default.This book tells an extremely well-rounded bunch of stories of different people, with different backgrounds. As well as feeling represented and extremely validated, I also felt like this opened my mind, too. It's such a nuanced subject but somehow this book touches many corners of what feels like an unspoken topic.