It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

This is a GEM of a book. It is amazing and commendable to me that Sara Eckel retained all her knowledge of what it’s like to be a long term, single woman (she was single for 8 years in her 30s), knowledge that's still relevant today, even though she’s now been married for years. My copy is red lined all over. I could relate to so much of it.As a woman who owns practically every major relationship bestseller out there i.e. The Rules, He is Just Not that into You, Why Men Marry Bitches, Books by Steve Harvey and Steven A Carter, A Return to Love, Books to Attract your Soulmate, Law of Attraction books, Christian relationship books and tons, tons more, this book gave me PEACE. It comforted me and assured me that there was nothing wrong with me and that more importantly, finding the right person is mostly LUCK and nothing to do with fixing yourself.Most of the relationship books operate with the premise that something is WRONG with the woman (it is rarely the guy) and I have put myself through so much in trying to become that ideal woman, ignoring the fact that most of the advice in these books:-Contradict themselves (One book will say don’t flirt with guys, let them chase you. Another will say, flirt, give men signals that it’s okay to approach)-Some of the women writers have divorced or had multiple divorces. Some never married or had very few relationships or had relationships riddled with problems and yet they were "relationship experts".-Some of the men giving advice had dating histories that were nothing to be proud of. Yet they were "relationship experts".-Some books -which shall not be named- actually turned out to be mumbo jumbo, splicing new age thought, with Law of Attraction to give you advice that is simplistic or just doesn't make sense.Some of the books have extremely lengthy instructions on what to do to get your mate, that I've often wondered if the authors themselves went through all the steps they recommended (doubtful)Furthermore, there are people who have committed the same faux pas denounced by these books, who still ended up getting married or in decent relationships.Deep down, I always felt something was amiss, that dating was not supposed to be this hard. I have seen people who don't do any type of self improvement work but yet get decent people chasing after them. I, like the author, have wondered why I was doing the equivalent of studying extremely hard for an exam, while others aced it without cracking a book (page 109).Sara debunks 27 such myths such as You are Picky, You Suck, You have Issues etc. I loved how she debunked these 2 very common myths that I hear constantly, specifically "You can't love another until you love yourself" (chapter on low self esteem) and "You need to treat the search for a husband like a job" (chapter on having an Action plan). I know people who don't love themselves, who ended up finding partners. You can love yourself to bits and still be single. You can go to 10,000 singles parties and still be single. I especially liked how she debunked the Law of Attraction-esque advice (chapter on putting your desire out to the Universe). People have gotten together for eons without even knowing about Law of Attraction.Sara Eckel’s book makes you consider the premise that NOTHING is WRONG with you. That it’s actually LUCK and not something lacking in you that's the reason for one's loneliness. She does this using compassion, humor and Buddhist advice. TRUST ME, there is nothing you have felt as a single person which Sara does not mention. She gets it. She advocates self compassion and also taking the view that perhaps you know what you're doing and that you have more wisdom than you/others give yourself credit for.She also points out some things that I didn’t even know, backed up by research data that made me look at singleness in a whole new light such as:-The fact that the more educated you are, the more likely you are to marry and STAY married (page 25)-The fact that single people devote more time to their extended family, friends and communities than their married cohorts (73)-The fact that single people struggle with work life balance, just like everyone else and actually do a lot of work without having someone else to split the load with e.g. cooking, cleaning, retirement planning, tax filing, furniture shopping, food shopping, home fixing, travel research, paying mortgage, electricity, health insurance etc (page 67). A lot of people think that being a single person is easy. I used to wonder why I was so exhausted all the time. I do all these things while working full time with a 2 hour commute each way and then still have to plan time to socialize and exercise. We are hard pressed for time too.She gets the many emotions singles face such as self-doubt, pain, loneliness, frustration, bitterness, envy, self-consciousness, the constant thoughts of “Why am I still alone?” or “What is wrong with me?” the constant hope that perhaps this trip to the grocery store or singles party, will be the one where you meet The One, the disappointment (we go through disappointment after disappointment after disappointment and still pick ourselves up to try again). Saying NO to prospects you realize are not a good fit (which is not as easy as many people think).You deal with a lot of things ALONE. You go to a lot of things ALONE.Her book makes me want to hug myself, to forgive myself for beating myself up, thinking there was something wrong with me, thinking girls who got married were somehow better than me (while ignoring all the problems that married people face). It makes me focus instead on what's right with me.I refer to this book often, to reset me when dating gets too frustrating (Online dating anyone?) or when I get really down about my future.It feels right to my soul. The person that will love you will fall in love with you as you are. No changes needed. He will not care if you have low self-esteem, kids/no kids, are older than him, slept with him on the first date, are dealing with an illness, promiscuous, have a temper, is overweight, has more education than him, is bossy, needy, comes from a bonkers family, can’t cook, been to jail and much more. All you just need to do is to look around and see men in relationships with women who have these same exact issues and vice versa. Perfection is not a requirement to have a relationship/get married. Love just doesn't work that way.At the moment, I am leaving myself alone. No more “working on myself” in order to “catch” a man or running myself ragged trying to attend every singles function out there, just in case it might be the place where I meet the love of my life. I still want a relationship, but I want to date in a way that's organic, not forced or feels like an inquisition. I want a relationship that's full of love and respect. My past dating forays have taught me the importance of knowing my values and boundaries. I am just not going to run out there and pick up any ‘ol person just to have a man.I am working on not second guessing myself but trusting in my own wisdom.I am grateful for Sara’s openness and willingness to write this book. I wish Sara Eckel much success in her life. I hope this book sells for decades to come.Some of my favorite passages:“Dating is an act of outrageous vulnerability. You’re leaving the comfort of your home and friends to subject yourself to the scrutiny of strangers…. It doesn’t get more optimistic than that”“We are all, married or no, at risk of discovering that the person we chose to love will betray us”“Now I see that all those years alone forced me to develop muscles that I never would have fired if I’d married at twenty-six…… In many ways, I was never more adult than I was when I was single”“Here’s a thought: Maybe you’ve remained single well into adulthood because… you know what you’re doing. Because there is something right with you”“Little credit is given to the person who has the sensitivity and intelligence to avoid the near-engagement or divorce- who takes months, rather than years, to realize the partnership isn’t working. No due is given the person who refuses to be jerked around-thus compelling the jerks to move on to easier prey. It is assumed there is some love gene that you lack”“... it’s extremely important to recognize the unique wisdom of a solitary life- a wisdom that develops slowly over many years…”“… the very act of being single provides enough hard-core strength training to put anyone’s psyche into fighting shape”

I'm on the lower end of the age spectrum--I turn 32 in a few months--and I know that will make some older women scoff at my single anxiety ("You're so young! You have so much time!"). I guess the catalyst for it is that I am Hispanic, and a Hispanic woman who has hit 30, is not in a relationship and/or has no children, clearly has something WRONG with her. And, the truth is, the world is a cold place for all singles, no matter your age. Watching girls in high school get asked to dances and taken on dates stung me then just as much as I feel stung now at the sight of engagement announcements or couples photos on my social media feeds.I've been chronically single almost my whole life. Apart from one disastrous, toxic relationship in my mid-20s, my dating life has been non-existent. I'm the girl everyone thinks is funny, smart and witty. The girl that makes people ask, out of genuine puzzlement, "Why is she single?" I'm the girl guys want to hang out with, party with, even sleep with... but none of them want to date me. None of them want to introduce me to their friends or parents as their girlfriend. I'm 32 years old and I've never received a Valentine's Day card or flowers.I, too, have felt like I'm missing the "lovable" gene. I constantly look around and see women LESS attractive, educated, charismatic, stylish, together, domestic, etc. in relationships. Why? Why not me? Where is that special chromosome that makes you a "viable option" in the eyes of the opposite sex? Why don't I have it?Enter this book. I would have called it "Warm Chicken Soup for the Single Woman's Soul" if that title hadn't already been taken, because that is literally what this book is. The whole book is great, but some chapters and passages were literally amazing in how relatability they are. It even helped me uncover truths about myself that I wasn't aware of, or things that I wasn't brave to admit to myself. For example, before I read this book, I adopted the philosophy that being single was AWESOME!! "No kids, no problems! Cute apartment, cute clothes, booming social life. Yay! Look at me!" But it was a defense mechanism. Because saying those sorts of things sounds much more palpable than admitting that you're unhappy with your single state. Arguably the best thing this book did for me was release me of feeling like I have to play that part. There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying, to both myself and others, "Yes, I do have a good life, and generally speaking, I am happy... but I sure do get lonely sometimes."I honestly cannot praise this book enough. Some of the passages literally cause a knot in my throat and bring tears to my eyes, because the author so accurately describes the pain of being lonely in a coupled-up world. It gives me hope and makes me practice less self-criticism and more self-compassion.Whenever that loneliness creeps up on me, whenever I feel that tightness in my chest and the monsters begin to crawl into my head, assuring me that I'M the problem, I'll crack this book open and read a chapter or two, or I'll read the whole thing from end to end again. I cannot recommend it enough to any woman who has ever felt that her own personal inadequacies are what are holding her back from finding love. You don't need dating books that tell you how many hours to wait before responding to a text, or how to seem willing, yet unavailable, yet open, yet mysterious.... When the right guy comes along, he'll like you for you. There is nothing to fix. This book will help you understand that.

I found this book at exactly the right time for me. I found myself single in my late thirties, and facing tons of questions from friends and loved ones about my status. Everyone was trying to be helpful, but all of their questions, advice, and conclusions about me left me feeling that I must be a huge failure to be in my position. This book really helped me face the reality that it was something that happened, and not because something was wrong with me. I've recommended it to a few friends already, even before finishing it.Towards the end I felt the author repeats some points, but overall I still feel this is an important book for everyone to read, even those who are not single or are not women.

I really needed this book. Being told that I am not wrong, I don't have to learn some tricks, I didn't somehow miss some secret piece of information... It's all been very healing for me. This book helped me in a very difficult time, to know deep inside that I am not wrong, or damaged, or unlovable. It's a process, but I feel better now and I really think that this book is wise, and so so important against a ton of crap single people are often told.

Nos últimos meses tenho lido vários autores dedicados a esmiuçar o universo dos relacionamentos amorosos e os motivos das dificuldades que as mulheres encontram para encontrar um parceiro de vida compatível. Muitos se propuseram a oferecer guias e receitas de bolo, sugerindo manuais de sedução que remetem aos primórdios do machismo na nossa sociedade. Its's not you é único que foge de todos os clichês e trata a questão de forma transparente, sincera e sensata. Recomendo a leitura a todas as mulheres que ainda acreditam que um relacionamento amoroso pode acontecer de forma igualitária e amorosa.

The best dating/singles advice book I've read. I started reading this in a state of terrible distress and felt infinitely better when I finished it. It cuts through all the crazy-making circular logic and implicit singles-shaming that so many other books I've read have tormented me with. Enough with all those contradictory commands masquerading as advice - the ones that convince you that if you attracted a guy with commitment issues that must mean you are the one with the commitment issues, or that you can find love at any age except that only people with attachment issues are single at your age, that you should lower your standards but leave as soon as you see a red flag, like an attachment issue. All of it left me feeling crazy and hopeless, like I needed years of therapy just to figure out what was wrong with me that made me still single at my age. This book was an enormous relief. The best take away: there's nothing wrong with you if you are still single. It just means you haven't found the person you will mesh with yet. What an enormous relief to read that! I totally recommend this book. I'm about to read it again.

I like this book, It's relevant and easy to read. I have been reading it in several different occasion/in time of need :)

Dieses Buch ist mit grossem Abstand das Beste, was mir je zum Thema "Single-sein" in die Hände gekommen ist. Ich habe es auf englisch gelesen, und es kommt bald auch in deutsch auf den Markt.Ich kann jeder Frau empfehlen (auch jedem Mann, der sich angesprochen fühlt), die ganzen "So finde ich meinen Traummann"-Bücher wegzulegen und sich einfach nur dieses eine, schlichte Buch zu kaufen.Die Autorin erklärt, woran es NICHT liegt, dass man Single ist, und dass wir getrost aufhören können, uns diese widersprüchlichen Begründungen anzuhören à la:- Du bist zu wählerisch- Du bist zu verzweifelt- Du bist noch nicht bereit dazu- Du machst zu wenig- Du bemühst dich zu sehr- Du bist zu altetc.Denn letztlich, so wird angedeutet, was wir eigentlich schon immer wussten: Es ist viel Glück dabei, wenn wir jemanden finden, der wirklich zu uns passt. Natürlich können wir die Suche früher aufgeben und uns "begnügen".Aber die Autorin gibt zu bedenken, dass das auch Nachteile hat und dass wir vielleicht, vielleicht.. gar nichts falsch machen, wenn wir noch Single sind.Das Buch ist so unterhaltsam und witzig geschrieben, voll von persönlichen Anekdoten, gleichzeitig aber - und das ist auch eine Ausnahme unter den Ratgebern - untermauert mit wissenschaftlichen Studien zum Thema, die man nachlesen kann (Quellenverzeichnis). Da merkt man eben, dass es von einer echten Journalistin geschrieben wurde und nicht von einer selbsternannten Psycho-Expertin, die etwa auf ihre Seminare aufmerksam machen möchte.Also, zusammenfassend: Wärmstens zu empfehlen!