[ PEACEFUL PARENT, HAPPY KIDS: HOW TO STOP YELLING AND START CONNECTING ] Markham, Laura (AUTHOR ) Nov-28-2012 Paperback Unknown Binding – 1 Jan. 1772

Good guide to creating the happy family we all hope to have. It encourages a more positive & gentle approach to parenting rather than relying on punishment, shouting & threats to guide behaviour; it doesn't encourage permissiveness, but rather teaches you how to set limits with empathy & respect. Having moved from a more "mainstream" parenting style when my older kids were little (punishment/reward to shape behaviour, shouting & threatening in an attempt to control them, failing to take enough care of myself to give my kids what they needed, getting cross with them for displaying negative emotions, etc - all of which seems to be pretty "normal" parenting in many families in my experience) to a much more gentle approach by the time my youngest was born I can see both sides and am confident that my current parenting style (which is similar to that outlined in this book) is a massive improvement in all respects!This type of parenting is just as successful (if not more) at getting kids to cooperate with requests and behave pleasantly & respectfully to authority figures & other people they come into contact with (contrary to popular assumption that it encourages kids to be overindulged "brats"), but it does so in a way that is far less damaging to the bond between parent & child, the child's self esteem, their ability to take responsibility for their actions, their emotional & cognitive development, etc. Some of the other popular parenting books promote solutions that are "quick fixes" designed to get immediate results (and hence lots of positive publicity from parents saying "it worked for us!") but they neglect to consider the long term implications of their methods. As parents we want our kids to grow up into happy, well balanced, confident, self reliant, kind & responsible people, but too many popular parenting methods actively work against these goals in favour of producing short term compliance with what seems convenient for the parents. An example would be using reward & punishment systems; I was a huge believer in these when my older kids were younger, as it seemed a very effective way to get them to tidy their room & do other things I wanted them to do. However, what has become apparent as they've got older is that they are not good at motivating themselves to do anything requiring much effort unless there is the promise of a tangible reward at the end of it or the threat of a very negative immediate consquence, and that they need a lot of parental input to get started & keep going. The stupid thing is, having studied psychology, I was actually aware of some of the flaws with using rewards long term to motivate people (it is a well known phenomenon that a task that is rewarded become less intrinsically rewarding over time, and people start to only do it because of the promise of a reward) but was blinded by the fact that this seemed to be the "best" method offered by parenting experts and was what all other "good parents" were doing (this was back in the day when Supernanny reigned supreme!).The advice in this book is mainly aimed at parents of younger children (up to about 9) so I felt like I'd "missed the boat" a bit with my older kids, but some of it can be tailored to be applicable to older children & the basic principles of nurturing the connection between you & your kids, setting limits with empathy, taking care of yourself so you are more able to take care of your family, and generally building a loving & respectful family dynamic helps however old your kids are. With my youngest I have found that applying what I have learnt in books like this one and on websites like the author's "ahaparenting.com" has helped me create a great relationship with my daughter, has made me feel like a more confident & competent parent, has reduced the battles & tantrums & has supported her development into a very happy, able, confident & emotionally intelligent little girl! I just wish I'd known all this when my older kids were her age.My only real criticisms would be that it can all seem rather American to the average British reader, and can be a bit overly sentimental & "cheesy" sometimes. My husband wasn't so keen & complained about how much it kept going on about love!! I did feel when I was reading it that it seemed aimed at a female audience and might be a bit offputting to some men (it's hard to give a concrete example of that, it was more just a "vibe"!). Also some of the examples of the types of things you are supposed to say to your child sound unnatural to a cynical Brit like me so you might have to tailor some of it to suit yourself but the basic ideas are all very helpful and it just requires a little bit of imagination to fit them to your own life sometimes.All in all a very useful book for any parent of young children, and I'd highly recommend it as long as you can ignore some of the "cheesiness"!

I read this about 6 months ago as I was struggling with my nearly 6 year old. I loved the advice and the philosophy. I am sure it is probably the way I went about trying to change our situation, but I found some of the changes I made have made the situation worse.The most important thing she says is about having clear limits and sticking to them. But she is also very insistent about why punishment doesn't work and can be counter productive. She advises you stop punishing by trying to use avoidance of bad behaviour (spotting it coming and trying to resolve the issue before it blows up) and picking your battles. I would advise that if you have a particularly willful child that, initially at least, you carry on with your normal ways of dealing with bad behaviour, whilst trying to connect more and show your child you are being fair and consistent.I think I tried too hard to stop punishing without enough tricks in my arsenal to set limits consistently. I started not setting limits as I didn't know how I would enforce them without being able to threaten or bribe. As a result my son saw a weekness and just tried harder and harder to push beyond the limits I'd set, and his behavious got worse, which then resulted in me resorting to more severe punishments than I used before.If you have a particularly strong willed/defiant child I would recommend:Your Defiant Child, Second Edition: Eight Steps to Better Behaviorhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Defiant-Child-Second-Behavior-ebook/dp/B00E3CC29S/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1391423006&sr=1-1&keywords=your+defiant+childWhich takes you through the process more slowly, also has an emphasis on connection and special time, but does allow you to use rewards to get your child back on track, and is perhaps more geared toward the extreme ends of behaviour. I'm hoping once I have worked through that book and got my lovely son back again, I can then move back to Dr Markham's system.Goodluck if you are struggling like me - it is very very hard work and you can get demoralised and upset as I am today, and feel like you have failed your child - and not understand how you have raised an uncaring and rude little monster. I hope this can help others.

Read this book on the back of dozens of others including 'Playful Parenting' which was excellent, but this one really hits home. Written in everyday simple language and with dozens of examples and real life experiences this helps put parenting into the context it belongs. It is not something you "DO" it is something you have been and will always be a "PART OF". Parenting should be looked at within the context of every influence within a family system - many of those parts outwith our awareness and control - until you can become aware of them. This book has already made a vast difference to the approach I adopt with our children (2 within an adoptive family) and the family atmosphere and harmony which now permeates our lives. That doesn't mean we don't have our "moments" but it does mean I don't beat myself up and am able to support my kids realise that life is a journey of ups and downs. Showing our kids how we deal with upset and conflict and being able to make repairs quickly and with positive connection has transformed our family. First class book and highly recommeded from a counsellor and avid reader on child development.