The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

Excellent read for parent and child. The best way to utilize this insightful book is to buy two copies. As a parent I read it first. Then I was able to motivate my granddaughter and I handed her a copy. We agreed on a weekly schedule to have a conversation over a meal. The schedule could slide to meet individual needs. In this day and age it is valuable addition for development.

I’m a 26F and I loved this book. I decided this year I will get back into reading since it was something I enjoyed when I was a kid. I saw the title and I knew this would be a great first book to start with. It will now be my new holy grail when life starts to overwhelm me or have confusion and in need of some deep clarity. I wish I found this book sooner when I first entered my 20s. However, I’m thankful that I found it now. Within these last 2 weeks it has helped me gain so much unexpected mental clarity and peace with my 20s. It’s a must read!!

I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good. As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard." This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose. The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body. Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down. Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner. The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works. The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life. It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time. It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does. This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before. The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."

Good food for thought on being more intentional, urgent, and aware. Over-generalizes at times. Jay is very good at articulating post-grad angst. Some anecdotes irritated me where I felt like Jay did not qualify enough. I get that the author is trying to provoke non-obvious caution, but some of these things can't be generalized when talking about a group as large and diverse as 2Xers. For example: In the chapter "Cohabitation Effect", Jay knocks on cohabitation a bit much although she partly qualifies her caution at the end of the chapter. I imagine cohabiting partners in a high-quality, committed, long-term relationship that would anxiously freak out after reading this. I still appreciate Jay's message to make these choices with thoughtful deliberation. In "Pick Your Family", one of Emma's reasons for dumping a boyfriend is that the boyfriend doesn't have the parents she wishes she had. Emma had a rough upbringing with alcoholism and suicide in the family. It seems like hypocritical reasoning for Emma to dismiss a good relationship over the parents that her boyfriend inherits. For example, how would Emma feel if she was judged as a bad match for not having the family she's also seeking? Granted, there was more to this story and we have a right to be picky, but I was kind of turned off that the in-laws issue got disproportionate emphasis. It's not exactly a reliable happiness-maximizing strategy to pursue things out of your partner's control. People need to think critically on a case-by-case basis. This book is offers great motivation with general takeaways. One of my concerns is that an insecure twenty-something out there will take one of these anecdotes and incorrectly apply it to their own lives. Net of all, the book's useful wisdom outweighs my concerns.

This book is just amazing. I kind of wish I could sit down with the author some day, but once I have finished the book, that may not even be needed. Even though I am in my late late 20s, I can still see much benefit in the book. The concept of identity capital is something I am finding very useful, and now that I understand it, it pops up in my mind when I am making career choices which is great. I feel it has enhanced and open up my mind, while at the same time making it easy for me to make choices, or at least to understand exactly what it is that I am trading/gaining when I choose one career option over another. It's also awesome that the author has actually counselled many young people like ourselves, and we get to see this often inside the book. While reading, I often feel like I am a third party looking at my own life and my own thought processes- that is how relatable the book is. This is the kind of book you would be eager to pass on once you have read it, but I bought it on kindle, so thankfully, I can keep it. Thank you so much Dr Meg for this contribution to the world.

Got the paperback version, great read. The author breaks down areas in life (career, love, family, social capital), has solid guidance, each chapter as real life examples from client therapy sessions, and their stories then the authors philosophy, so it doesn’t read like a psychology textbook but more a story.

Very insightful and reliable

I am in my twenties and felt lucky that I just read this book. Three years ago, I read the book “What I wish I knew when I were 20” and now this book came at a right time to direct me for my upcoming journey.

Te da una muy buena perspectiva sobre los objetivos (carrera, network, salud, familia etc.) en tus años 20. Todos los que estan en sus años 20 deberian leeer este libro.